Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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