My room smells like vodka and shame
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
