I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
