My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
