clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i think i just lost a toe
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
