Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize