I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish I only lived at night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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