apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So vagazzling was a success
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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