It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize