If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
