pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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