Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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