Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
