I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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