Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
