i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
