She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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