Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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