New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
