I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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