Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
