Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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