I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
