Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
