Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
