The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
