So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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