Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
