I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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