he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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