there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
