cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if only i could text you this smell
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
