Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
