i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
