got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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