I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
