I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Randomize