I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
