that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
