I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
