fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
