My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
