hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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