Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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