looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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