these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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