if only i could text you this smell
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize