I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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