tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
