yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just got carded by a ten year old.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
