Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
