So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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