Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
