I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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